Why Does Intimacy Have to be Just Physical?

In consultation with Andrea Tan <theathenarising@gmail.com>

Love & Intimacy Coach

https://www.instagram.com/TheAthenaRising

Let’s face it. When you hear the word “intimacy”, your mind does a beeline to physical intimacy (ahem, sex!).

While you’re not the only one who thinks this way, contrary to popular belief, intimacy isn’t limited to physical intimacy, and it takes more than this to have a fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time.

But why is this deeper level of intimacy so tough to attain and often overlooked?

The answer to these questions may lie in us not wholly understanding the concept of intimacy. 

Intimacy, by definition, is the closeness between two people in a relationship built up over time. In fact, physical intimacy is just one of four types of intimacy. The others are emotional, spiritual, and mental.

While the physical side is undoubtedly essential, the emotional, spiritual and mental connection is critical too. Sometimes even more so. It is all about building that deeper connection that will keep the embers burning for years to come, even after the initial dizzying electric effervescence has fizzled. (Not that it needs to fizzle. But that’s a whole other topic!)

However, like most good things in life, emotional intimacy requires work! A LOT of work. 

But our sisterhood is here to help. We spoke to a few ladies who swear that keeping their emotional relationship tight is the secret sauce that keeps their marriage rocking. They generously share their tried and tested tips here. Read on!

1. No time to connect emotionally? Schedule it!

It’s hard to catch a moment, let alone a block of time to do things as a couple with the daily grind. But the benefits of carving out this time are immense.

Menaka, a happily married mum of two kids and a fur baby, confesses, “While it may seem inorganic, counterintuitive, and even forced to schedule time together, one thing that has worked for us is planning time to do things together.”

Menaka, who has been married for almost 17 years, says their evenings and weekends revolve around kids’ activities. 

“To keep that emotional connection going, we have a weekly breakfast date after dropping the kids at school, coffee dates when the kids are at weekend classes and regular dinner dates. We use this time to talk about fun things like travel, food, hobbies, and everything under the sun (sans kids!),” she adds. 

2. You don’t need to talk about your relationship explicitly; just talk!

Communication is key! It doesn’t necessarily need to be deep and meaningful every time. Casual banter is just fine too. It’s the connection it nurtures that is important.

Pamela, who has been married to the love of her life for three years, shares, “Since we started working from home, I had to move my work desk away from my husband’s as we would begin chatting about random things like two friends at the water cooler!”

She continues that these seemingly “random” chats keep the couple emotionally connected.

New mum Christel agrees. “Check in with each other, even if it’s just a quick ‘How are you?’ or a cheeky text during the day,” She says. It lets each know the other has been thinking about them, even when the day is manic.

3. Physically connect to stay emotionally connected

There is no denying the link between emotional and physical intimacy. Yet physical intimacy doesn’t always need to mean hitting the sheets! A loving touch while passing can keep you connected.

Maneka shares, “I don’t mean the naughty stuff! We hold hands while watching our favourite series on Netflix, while taking an evening stroll and just about anytime we get the chance. My husband’s ‘love language’ is physical affection, so I’m the willing recipient of spontaneous hugs too!”

4. Little acts of kindness

Every gesture doesn’t need to be a grand one. In our fast-paced lives, that isn’t always possible. So go for the small wins! 

Pick up your partner’s favourite Starbucks or magazine on the way home, or run an errand you know they have pending but been unable to do. These little acts of kindness speak volumes.

Amina has been married for almost two decades and is a mum of three. She recounts, “Seeing my hubby walk through the door after a long day, carrying my favourite chai latte, warms my heart no end! He knows it’s the small things that keep me going!”

Amina adds that, similarly, she brings him home a small treat when she goes out. She shares, “These little acts show me he’s taken time out to think of me during his busy day.” 

5. Separate lives to connect emotionally

The adage, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” comes to mind here.

While it is essential to spend time together to connect, it’s just as important to spend a little quality time away from each other, doing things you genuinely love. No, going to the grocery store doesn’t count! This kind of self-care is crucial for a content relationship.

Pamela mentions that her strong bond with her girlfriends adds to her emotional well-being. “My husband and I keep our other friendships strong too. The change of view and conversation is therapeutic,” she adds. Often they schedule it on the same night and come home together, chatting and laughing about the night’s events.

We hope these ideas help you in your quest to strengthen your emotional relationship.

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